A Very Akatsuki Christmas
by Atrusa Solaris
Summary: Taking a break from Pisses Me Off, I give a gift in the form of a Crack-fic. Tobi tries to spread some holiday cheer, which turns disastrous. Can he get it all cleaned up in time for the annual Christmas Party before the VIPS arrive? Mild romance not much
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I just own my ocs.

Taking a holiday from Pisses Me Off, I decided to do a little holiday crack-fic with the Akatsuki. Fun fun fun…

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**A Very Akatsuki Christmas**

The first thing Uchiha Itachi noticed when he woke that morning was that it was cold. Very cold. He silently cursed and burrowed back under the covers, the older teen not wanting to get up. But he ventured a peak outside of his warm blankets to see why his room was so cold. He twitched and nearly screamed in confusion when he saw his room was snowing. Yes, snowing. "Kisame!" He yelled, retreating under his covers once more.

But it was not just Itachi's room that was snowing you see, it was the entire building. Fi, one of the older teenaged maids, was late for helping Keiko with breakfast. The woman would kill her if she was late. Without paying attention to her surroundings, she ran down the hall in her yukata covered with a long coat. But she didn't get very far without slipping on a patch of ice on the floor. She yelled and flailed her arms as her feet went out from under her. She tried to break her fall with her hand but instead heard a nasty crack, felt immediate intense pain in her wrist and she let out a very loud yelp. She felt mortified as she looked at the door to her right which was opening to reveal Hidan.

"What the hell are you doing? I'm praying!" He made to grab her but instead he too slipped and fell on the ice. "WHAT THE -Censor monkey!- IS THIS SHIT?" He yelled.

"I'm sorry Hidan-sama, but I fell on the ice." Fi stuttered. "I-I think I broke m-my wrist."

"Well then what are you sitting here for? Go get it healed by Konan!" He snarled. She quickly got up and carefully hurried to the kitchen where hopefully Keiko had some bandages to hold her until she could find Konan-sama. Hidan tried to get up, but was unsuccessful and fell back down. He cursed loudly and he kept trying and failing.

The noise had aroused another member close by. Deidara sat up and shook his head to get the snow off. Wait, snow? What the hell? He angrily looked around to room hoping to see an orange swirled mask that he could beat the shit out of. Yes this was definitely Tobi's handiwork. But then again as he thought about it, Kisame was really one of the only ones who had water jutsu in his arsenal. He looked at the calendar next to his bed to read December 25th. Great, Christmas. He thought remorsefully, thinking of the family the Akatsuki had ripped him away from. His parents, his siblings…But then again, Christmas also meant food. Good food. His stomach let loose a terrific roar. He reluctantly got up and dressed in a warm cloak before walking out to find Hidan struggling with a patch of ice. He paused to laugh before continuing on his way. Deidara noticed that the snow was coming from tiny little clouds floating lazily along the ceiling.

As he walked into the dining room, he was met with the sight of a pissed off Pein scowling while clutching his precious hot chocolate as a tiny cloud innocently hovered directly over his head showering him with snow. He got up and moved, but the little cloud followed him. Deidara tried desperately not to laugh and could tell the other members there were trying hard to not do the same. His expression clearly said 'Not. One. Word.' The door banged open as Itachi trudged in, not looking happy.

"Kisame. What. Is. This?" He growled at the Shark man.

"Don't ask me, I don't know." Kisame threw his hands up in defense. Keiko brought out the food by herself.

"Where's your help?" Sasori asked suspiciously. It wasn't like the maids to skip out on this.

"My help, Fi, slipped on some ice this morning and broke her wrist Sasori-sama. Where is Hidan-sama? He requested some of this food." Keiko's eyes narrowed. Deidara snorted.

"He's fallen and he can't get up."

"Shut the –censor ahoy!- up!" The door slammed open once more and a bruised Hidan threw himself down and briefly muttered a prayer to Jashin before shoving food in his mouth.

"Tell her to come see me." Konan said steadily while looking at Keiko. Keiko nodded and the Angel of God turned her attention back to Hidan. Keiko bowed and left the room.

"By the way who the hell is responsible for this –censored!- snow?"

"Probably Tobi." Deidara growled. The hyperactive member was curiously absent from the table.

"I don't care. I want it out of here." Pein snarled, slamming his fist down on the table. The little cloud began snowing more furiously.

"Hey, when are we getting our Christmas bonus?" Hidan completely ignored their leader and turned his attention to Kakuzu.

"You're not. We're spending them to clean up the snow." Kazuku answered dully.

"WHAT?" Everyone yelled simultaneously except for Kakuzu, Pein and Itachi.

Kisame threw down his chopsticks. "We need that money for supplies and weapons!" He exclaimed angrily.

"Don't complain to me, complain to whoever made the snow." Kakuzu continued eating.

"Tobi!" Deidara yelled. "You are DEAD!" Damn it! He need that money for clay!

Back in the kitchen, the maids froze in fear. The members yelling was never a good sign. At the mention of his name, Tobi looked up from the refrigerator where he was helping put stuff away. "Uh-oh." He dashed away. He needed to fix this and fast! Tobi was a good boy! All he ha wanted to do was create some festive spirits. But all he'd done was break someone's wrist and cause his comrades' Christmas bonuses to be lost.

"Tobi." Tobi froze and saw Zetsu come out of the Wall. "What did you do this time?" The plant asked dully. Tobi explained the situation to him tearfully. "Tobi, you have not been a good boy."

"But, but Zetsu-sempai!" He whined. Zetsu blinked.

"JUST FIX IT." The Black side rumbled. Tobi sniffed. He wandered off, trying desperately to remember how to stop the jutsu. But alas, he could not.

"Kai!" No success. So instead he tried to remember where he'd even gotten the jutsu. He'd stolen it from Kisame's room. Perhaps there was a counter jutsu in there.

After a half hour, he finally found it. But the problem was that it was soaking wet from the snow. He tried desperately to read it and tried out what he thought was the correct hand seals. It immediately stopped snowing and Tobi beamed under his mask and skipped away. Yay! Now Tobi was once more a good boy!

"Hey, it stopped snowing." Itachi commented as he sipped his green tea. The tiny cloud above the leader dissipated. Tobi skipped in. Deidara snarled as he lunged for the masked member and began strangling him.

"SEMPAI!!!!!"

"Tobi! You've cost us our bonuses!" He snarled. Keiko gathered up dishes and Konan instructed her to bring her Fi to heal. Keiko nodded and walked back into the kitchens.

"Deidara." Sasori said lazily.

"And you've injured someone!" Deidara continued. Keiko returned with Fi, whose wrist was severely swollen. Konan held out her hand covered in green healing chakra. Fi winced as God's Angel healed her. She looked worriedly at Deidara.

"K-konan-sama, should we be worried?" She asked meekly.

"No. Hold still." Konan finished.

"Arigato Konan-sama." Fi bowed. "If there's anything I can do for you…?"

"No. Here. Don't tell Koko." Konan slipped the maid a piece of candy, knowing the ancient head maid did not allow the servants much sugar. "Now, go."

"Deidara. Enough." Sasori continued dully.

"Grrr!" Deidara shook Tobi by the neck.

"I'll clean it all up! I promise!" Tobi choked.

"YOU BETTER! I WANT THAT –censored!- BONUS!" Hidan yelled. Deidara threw the masked boy out the door. Tobi got up and hurried away before remembering one lat thing. They still didn't know about the enchanted mistletoe. Uh-oh. He'd leave that until the damned things showed up.

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Bwhahaha and so ends the first chapter of this little story. There's three chapters total, so short little thing. I'll update tomorrow….


	2. Mistletoe invasion

Disclaimer I do not own Naruto.

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Pein ordered the servants to not clean any of the snow and to leave it for Tobi. They grudgingly conceded. It was their job after all… Fi trudged down the hallway, arm still numb. She was heading towards the kitchens to help cook the dinner that Kakuzu had thrown a fit over because of the cost of the food they had bought. It was to be a western style meal with hams and chickens and turkeys with all sorts of delicious food. Of course, they were not going to have any. It was strictly for their employers and their subordinates. They got a turkey and whatever was left over. She bumped into a silver-haired young man as she was not paying attention.

"Gomenasai!" She gasped as she bowed. How clumsy of her! Koko would skin her alive for doing that!

"No, no. It's ok, really." He chuckled and pushed up his glasses. "Tell me, where is Sasori-sama?"

"I'll take you to him." She said quickly. "Please follow me." She hurried down the hall. "Whom shall I introduce you as?" She asked the attractive stranger.

"Kabuto will do." He said, smile still in place.

"Hai, Kabuto-sama." She rushed into Sasori's room to introduce him.

'Cute girl.' He thought to himself.

Back in the kitchens, Koko sat and observed all her underlings prepare the meal there was to be more than seventy five subordinates at this Christmas party plus the core members. 'Everything must go perfectly!' She thought. But so far, so good. The old woman looked around. So far all the money spent on the meal looked as if it would be worth it. Kakuzu could go soak his head.

Steadily, the subordinates were arriving and were thinking that the hideout had a leak. Tobi hadn't gotten to the front yet. But still, Tobi was waiting for the stupid mistletoe to come out. Hopefully, they'd been cancelled out too. Little did he know, he was wrong. Very wrong.

Keiko briskly walked down the hall, intent on finishing polishing the last portrait frame before anyone made it back that far. She suddenly was stopped dead in her tracks. She tried to move but couldn't. She swore and looked around. To her anger, there was a sprig of mistletoe twinkling innocently in a sinister way above her. Crap.

Deidara grumbled as he left his room, hair still wet from his shower. It was still cold. He went to complain to a maid about the temperature.

Itachi wandered aimlessly down the hall, just to kill time when he saw Keiko standing in the middle o the hall looking positively furious. "What?" He asked as he approached her.

"No! Don't come any-" Itachi was stopped dead in his tracks. He tried to move but couldn't. "Closer." She sighed before pointing up at the enchanted mistletoe. Itachi twitched. Seriously? Might as well get it over with then. He swooped down and gave the maid a peck on the forehead before feeling the invisible restraints lift. Keiko ran down the hall beet red.

Fi had taken refuge in the kitchen helping out when Keiko came running back in. "What?" Koko asked the twenty year old.

"Itachi-sama…" She was breathing heavily and very red. "Itachi-sama…"

"Itachi-sama what? Spit it out." Suki snapped from the stove.

"Itachi-sama just kissed me!" Suki and the other maid dropped what they were doing.

"What?!" Everyone that didn't have things cooking immediately and gathered around the traumatized maid.

"There's mistletoe floating around. It grabs you with invisible ropes and doesn't let you go until someone kisses you!" Keiko whimpered.

"At least it was Itachi-sama and not, say, Kisame-sama." The maids shuddered collectively.

Tobi groaned as he scraped up the last of the ice. Hidan stood and made sure all the ice was gone. "You missed a damn spot." He snapped, pointing at the offending bit of ice. Tobi scowled underneath his mask. Being degraded to such menial tasks. Hidan would get an ass-whipping later with him in the form of Kakuzu, mm yes. Definitely.

Deidara skulked around the servants quarters, somewhat drunk from finding Kisame's sake stash, looking for someone to do quick repairs on his pants. But he had no such luck. They were probably all cleaning up getting ready for guests. He swore as he slipped on some ice and slid down the hall on his ass. Tobi had not yet made it to that area. He grumbled as he tried to sit up. Key word tried. He growled in frustration and he looked up to see a glittering sprig of mistletoe. Dammit. "TOBI!" He yelled.

'What now?' Sasori thought, annoyed as a timid knock sounded on his door. He opened the door to reveal Fi and Kabuto. "Come in Kabuto. Thank you Fi, that will be all." The girl turned and scurried away. "Now tell me, what's Orochimaru up to?"

Fi headed towards the kitchen before remembering she needed to return a needle to Koko and it was in her room. She turned around and raced off to the maids quarters to retrieve it.

The servants rushed around the main dining area, cleaning every square inch under the supervision of Konan. More chairs were being set up and instead of lights, someone had found lights that looked like ice balls that floated across the ceiling on chakra strings. The atmosphere was festive to say the least. Little did they know what horrors would await them all.

Deidara lay on the floor, staring at the damn thing. He really couldn't think straight from the alcohol. He discovered he could move his arms, but that was it. He heard the pattering of feet in the next hallway, a door opening, a pause and then a slam. "Oi!" he tried calling, but the footsteps faded away. Damn. He pulled out another sake bottle and started in. Screw Christmas.

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Ha! Though this died eh? Well, I'm going to change it to four chapters and hopefully get it done by the end of the month. Then I'll finish Pisses me off. More reviews, the faster our drunken Deidara gets off the floor? Sound good? OK!


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